survive

All we did was survive.

That's enough.

Midnight emotion

How much abuse can one man take?

Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Or maybe, nobody deserves me.

Before We Go

The movie really struck a chord with me. How we can find someone special in the most unexpected ways. and how happy endings are such bullshit.

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need

Truth

Set me down gently

I keep telling myself I'm done being the good guy. But then I'm not.

Enjoy the Silence

Beautifully tragic.

And when it was over,
nothing defined us
other than the moments
that made us feel free.

Did it ever start though?

Always and forever

If I scream at the top of my lungs
Will you hear what I don't say?

I'll put on a performance
I'll put on a brave face

Whisper my name - I'll be there

Tough

Fill me up
Then leave me to die

Had enough for the year
If you want you can take it

Wasted Youth

I really fucked myself up this time. Tired. So tired. And yet shit still has to get done. It never ends.

Good, good. Let the hate flow through you.

bleed out

Fucking parachute men.

Will I ever see the light again?

Dissipate

Let me sleep
I am tired of my grief
And I would like you
To love me, to love me, to love me

This is the night when these woods sigh

Come with me
There are people who cannot speak
Without smiling

They would take me from your hand
Or they would try, they would try
This is the murmur of the land
This is the sound of love's marching band
And how they hold you like a gun
And how I sing you like a song
I heard when I was young
And buried for a night like this


Day 58: the breakdown

Was it inevitable? Nope. I still believe things only changed when H happened. Zero respect dude. Irresponsible; shameless. But if that gets you what you think you deserve.. who am I to judge? I've nothing. Am nothing. To think I've always enjoyed playing the Dark Side in games, I should have known "the Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural". I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive. How do you forgive someone who "parachutes" in and denies your most precious?

Sorry V if you're reading this. Had to let it out somewhere. No doubt one day I'll be better. But for now, please know that I never regretted knowing you. It'll take a lifetime to forget.

Tomorrow I'll get back on my feet. Get shit done. Move through life like I always do. And hope to find some meaning in this mess. Tonight, let me sleep.

Still here

I don't know how to stop caring. I don't know how to unfeel. I don't know how to pretend to be someone who doesn't give a fuck.

My head hurts. My heart too.

Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart Through a Pinhole

Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound.

I have always believed everyone deserves their chance at happiness. Dear God, have you forgotten about me? Is this all I'm meant for - sorrow and loneliness?

Your love is gonna drown

And still...

The strongest people have the heaviest hearts.

reconnect

Lost in these carouseling thoughts

No doubt the routines are what keep me going. Without them I'd probably have lost my mind. Back to binge eating episodes and spiralling into depression perhaps? I'd like to think I'm stronger than that now. But then the only thing I've proven is that all the effort I've put in to strengthen my body, my mind, my will, all count for nothing. Is it time to let myself go? Maybe I deserve that. Maybe that's the only thing I deserve.

I'm nothing.

weakness

stuck in a mess I don't want to get out of

The city is my church

Stay beautiful. Stay strong. We'll meet again at the finish line. And we'll regret the choices we made.

Hope can only take us so far

Reopening dusty old closets - it's Flabbylebby back here again. Probably not for long, because no one reads this anyway I guess.

It's been more than 10 years since I created this blog hmm. I don't know why what started out as a cheerful blog gradually turned ugly and rant-y and all angsty. Is that who I truly am - an angsty emo kid?

Heeyy I do have feelings too ok. Don't be fooled by my "tough" appearance. I have been torn apart so many times I can't even. So many scars. Each time pieces of me are chipped away like how kueh bangkit crumbles at the slightest touch. I don't know if I have the strength to go through another.. Soon dust will be all that remains. And still, I will never settle.

I always wonder to myself what have I done to deserve all these. But then again, what have I done to deserve happiness? Have I not fought hard enough?

The world isn't fair. Never was. Never will be. Just gotta suck it up. And pray I'm still alive at the end of all this.

Looking back, I would have gone through it all again. Not because I love the pain, but because I can't imagine me being a different version of myself. One that is moulded differently by the circumstances. So, no ragrets. Good night cruel world.